Wisdom from Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou was interviewed by Bill Moyers in 1973 and one of the questions he asked her was, 'do you belong to anyone?'

Her answer was '...I belong to myself. I'm very proud of that.'

She said a lot more than that and you can Google it to read the transcript of the whole interview, but the words 'I belong to myself' hit me like a thunderbolt. They went right to my core, my soul. Because the journey I have been on over the past 10 years or so is exactly that - returning to myself and belonging completely to myself again.

Many of you might read that and say to yourselves something along the lines of, 'wow, that seems a bit selfish. Somebody is sure full of herself!'

And that would not be an unusual response, based on the way we are socialized/indoctrinated in our culture. We are supposed to be selfless. We are supposed to put others first. We are taught that that is the way we create a good, caring society.

However, that belief has also created a society of women in particular, who believe that what they want and need doesn't count at all.

And women everywhere spend their whole lives doing for others and not caring for themselves and they become depressed, and resentful, and addicted, and sick because of it.

They become geniuses at making themselves small, sometimes physically (that's a whole other blog post), but definitely emotionally and spiritually.

They become so adept at swallowing their own opinions and desires that they get to a point where if you ask them what they would do with a whole afternoon to themselves, they don't even know what they would want to do. They can't decide on a pleasurable activity if it is separate from the desires of their spouse, kids, family, or friends.

How did we get so far off track?

I spent most of my adult life in this system. I was taught to be pleasing and unselfish. When I became an adult and gained an adult career and an adult relationship, I put others' needs first. I tried to figure out what people expected of me and then sought to over deliver on their expectations.

Over the years, the wild child inside me got quieter and smaller, until I couldn't hear or see her at all.

And I got sadder and sicker, and it got tougher to plaster the smile on my face every day.

I finally got to a point where the person I saw way deep down inside and the person I portrayed every day were completely out of alignment.

Was I fulfilling societal expectations of being giving and selfless? You bet.

Was I giving from a place of authenticity and joy? Nope, not even close.

If I had kept on that way, I am quite certain it would have eventually killed me. There is no doubt that chronic stress and unhappiness affect our immune system and can in fact lead to disease, so I am not joking about the 'killing me' thing.

Thankfully, I had some powerful teachers who helped me to begin to find my way back to myself. (Maya Angelou, Oprah Winfrey, Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Martha Beck, Eckart Tolle, Elizabeth Lesser, Elizabeth Gilbert, Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle). I read their words and heard them speak and I began to remember who I was. And more importantly, I began to realize that I mattered.

I was worth putting time, energy and effort into. I was worthy of rest, and peace, and attention, and love. In the end, I learned that I have to come first. That I am responsible for looking after myself, loving myself, and creating the conditions for my own growth as a human.

That's the big paradigm shift: believing that you are worthy of the love and attention of yourself. Most of us shrink from that notion.

But once we allow ourselves to believe that, the rest begins to follow.

If we are tired, we believe we are worthy of a nap. If we hate certain social obligations, we believe we are worthy of saying no, thank you. Without further explanation or justification. If we feel ignored or unappreciated by our spouse, we believe we are worthy of having a voice to say, 'I don't like it when you speak to me that way' or ' I really need you to listen to me'.

And once we believe we are worthy and begin to make decisions from that knowledge, our life starts to slowly come back into alignment, like a ship correcting course, little by little.

So over time, who we are inside and who we are outside start to look the same.

And, miracle of miracles, we start to know what we would like to do with an afternoon off. And furthermore, we believe we deserve an afternoon off! We remember what makes us laugh, what foods we like to eat the most, what movies we want to watch, and what pursuits so absorb us that we lose all track of time.

My life today bears very little resemblance to my life of 10 years ago. Who I am inside and outside are much more closely aligned. I make decisions that come much more often from a place of integrity rather than a sense of obligation. I am much more fearless and profoundly more joyful. My physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health are all vastly improved.

And here is the part that might make you feel better about the whole process.

Do I live a life of service and contribution? You bet I do.

And do I give and contribute from a place of genuine caring and giving, rather than a sense of obligation? Absolutely.

And I am able to do that because I belong to myself first. I care for myself and fill up my own soul and then I can go out into the world and give in the fullest, most joyful sense. And the contribution I can make from a place of authenticity and alignment is the most powerful force imaginable.

It is still a work in progress, as with all growth. My socialization and indoctrination as a woman in our society is still with me and I have to work on it every day. That's why I have a sticky note on my computer that reminds me every day that 'I belong to myself'. Thank you Maya.

And so, I ask you, do you belong to yourself?

If not, I invite you to begin the process of taking a quiet, still moment to see if you can feel inside to the wild child who is hiding in there, waiting for you to turn your gaze on her. Waiting for you to bathe her in your attention, your care, your love.

She will grow leaps and bounds under the force of your love and you will never be the same. For the better. You are worthy of your own love and attention. You are.