Sober/Joyful

(First published in 2017)

It's been eight years since I broke up with alcohol and I often get asked two questions from people who are curious about why I don't drink - why I quit and if I will start again after taking a break.

I answer these questions as fully as possible when they are asked, but I thought it might be useful to write it all down here.

As well, during the time I was thinking about quitting, I benefited so much from reading the work of several women who had quit (Laura McKowen, Annie Grace, Dawn Nickel/Taryn Strong - SheRecovers, Jann Arden, Louise Penny, and others), I thought I would share my story in the event that it helps someone else out there who is questioning their relationship with alcohol - or any other substance or behaviour that is keeping them from living a truthful, joyful life.

Alcohol has always been present in my adult life. I worked at a winery for 10 years and knowledge of wine and wine culture was a part my life, and social events with friends and family typically included alcohol. We live in a society where alcohol consumption is normal and even expected, and my life was no different. In fact, alcohol is the only drug you have to justify NOT taking.

For years, I drank socially and to relieve stress at the end of a tough work day or week, but not to an extent that worried me. However, what I noticed over time was that I drank less to be social and more to relieve stress. I got to a point where I had a few drinks at the end of most days to help me deal with the stress of my life and to numb out from emotions I didn't want to feel.

I think so many of us, if we are totally honest with ourselves, would say that we sometimes (or often) use alcohol to relieve stress and 'check out' of our heads for a little while.

For me, the need to numb came partly from the fact that I am an empath and a deeply feeling person. The weight and intensity of the emotions I feel about myself, the people I love, and the pain in the world around me feel unbearable at times. I call it 'existential angst'.

I am very sensitive to the energy of the people around me, and for years, I had no way of controlling that. I could be completely depleted by the negative or needy energy of a person in my life, and wouldn't even really be aware that it was happening. To escape that feeling of exhaustion or pain or worry, a few drinks did the trick. The problem with that is that the alcohol was just masking the problem. What I really needed to do was to learn to guard my energy, and put proper boundaries in place in terms of who I allow into my life and how they get to be in it. Believe me, that is still a work in progress.

Another reason I numbed with alcohol was anxiety. I seem like an extrovert in many arenas of my life, but I am actually much more introverted and so the many, MANY social situations in life made me anxious. I call the chit chat in many of these settings 'awkward banter' and it saps my energy like kryptonite. Alcohol made all that so much easier. I was the life of the party on many occasions. But I wasn't me. Once again, alcohol just masked the problem.

Now that I am alcohol free, I am myself in social situations. I have to feel the anxiety and then do it anyway. The beauty is that I really like the real me. And the conversations and laughter I enjoy in social situations now are authentic.

I also drank too much during some really tough times in my life. Over the past 12 years, my beloved mom was diagnosed with dementia, declined, and died, my marriage to a man I had been with for over two decades ended, and then my sister was diagnosed with cancer and died.

The weight of those events was crippling and I found myself self medicating with alcohol in the evenings so that I could have a break from the pain of those things, and so that I could get up in the morning and go out again and be a caregiver for the people in my life who needed me.

I am very proud to say that during the final 10 months of my sister's life when I was part of the team who cared for her, I was completely alcohol free and was able to be totally present for her, day and night.

I don't identify as an alcoholic (no judgement for people who do - it is an individual choice). I think that term is heavily stigmatized and triggers the deep shame that keeps many people from being honest about their struggles.

I identify as a grey area drinker. I knew it was taking more than it was giving and that to be in alignment with my values and my desire to live a life where I was fully awake, alcohol had no place in it. I made a conscious choice to remove it from my life.

I also don't identify with the word sober because of its other meaning: "subdued in tone or colour". Leaving alcohol behind was the opposite of that. My whole world became more energized and colourful! It amped up the volume of my life in every way! I use the term alcohol free because that's the way it feels - FREE.

There are more reasons than that, and I will write more about them in the future, but those are the main ones. I want to shift now to the second question I get asked, which is whether I will drink again. The answer to that one is emphatically, 'I sure hope not!'

No one who quits anything can be completely sure they will never start again, but I can tell you that my strongest, most profound intention is that I will never drink again.

Why, you ask? Because every aspect of my life is immeasurable better without alcohol.

1. My health is better in every way. I have effortlessly lost weight. I sleep better. I have better energy. Health concerns like migraines, hot flashes, and heartburn have dramatically decreased.

2. My anxiety is lessened because although alcohol appears to decrease anxiety while you are under the influence, it perpetuates it in the long run, so you are more anxious the next day than you would be otherwise.

3. I am saving money. Alcohol is absurdly expensive.

4. I have peace and contentment in my life, instead of guilt and worry about drinking. I feel proud of myself and happy with who I am. I am learning to deal with stress instead of numbing it. It is making me a wiser, more balanced person. I am living an authentic life, free to be exactly who I am with no apologies.

5. I do things in the evening instead of sitting in front of the TV with a drink. I enjoy every evening activity with a clear head instead of feeling fuzz brained and tired by the end.

6. I have started doing things that are good for my health and my life with all this extra time and energy - exercise, writing, taking courses, building a thriving business. I am continuing to discover all the things I am curious about and want to pursue. It's a whole new world.

7. I feel proud of myself. In fact, it is the accomplishment that I am the most proud of in my life.

The best thing of all is that my life is now an open book. I had so much shame about my drinking, afraid that people would judge me if they knew if was an issue for me. It is so amazing to not have any secrets. I am so willing to have conversations with people and answer any questions they may have about my experience.

I am also willing to help if there is anyone who is concerned about their own drinking or other numbing/avoidance behaviour that is getting in the way of living their best life and self. Because in the words of Dawn Nickel and Taryn Strong, "we are all recovering from something." Being a counsellor and life coach means I am a pretty fantastic listener.

Believe me, the effort of facing your fear is so worth it for what is on the other side. Freedom!